When God was handing out mental conditions and personality disorders he must have misplaced mine and given me a random pull from the bag. One of my largest exhibits of Borderline Personality Disorder is a frantic effort to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Being alone for to long can cause me to loose my seance of existing, or feeling of being real (this is hard to describe but, for me, its kind of like feeling really numb and on the verge of passing out, its like your watching things happen around you but your not actually there. Sometimes I feel as if my heads not attached to my body or like I have no body at all. I know weird right? Well I sure think it is! But it can also be really scary too).
Most people crave to have an ounce of solitude for just a little wile, a chance to get away, de-stress, and reflect on life. I, on the other hand, absolutely loth it. I feel isolated, left out, and unliked. When I have a seance of companionship I'll try and do anything I can to avoid loosing it. So, unfortunately for people I've grown close to, I seem really really needy. This stems from the fact that I can't seem to distinguish the difference between the temporary absence of someone and someone leaving my life forever. Even though deep down inside their not, my brain can send out panic and fear signals like someone is dying when they leave me and I can get frantic for them to come back.
Unfortunately in my case I have very few friends (none of whom I actually see on a regular basis) and a long distance relationship. A double whammy in loneliness if you will. So I tend to float through most days in a blur of feeling lost, alone, not really knowing who I am anymore, and just really confused. Really really confused. obviously given that my lover and my friends all live a good distance away from me they do thing with out me, a lot. And as hard as I try and fight the feeling it makes me feel very disliked and unwanted, I spend my time alone, wile there out, moping and thinking about how much fun they must be having without me, it can get very depressing sometimes...
The above alone is enough to make me think that I'm a pretty bad fit for having BPD. Wouldn't you agree? So I'd like to tell the powers that be, "I want my money (or whatever) back! BPD is not working for me!"
"Anger is a manifestation of a deeper issue... and that, for me, is based on insecurity, self-esteem and loneliness."
~Naomi Campbell
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